"Here’s what not to do when you’re a concert pianist on an airplane and you’re still drunk from last night. Don’t: • Sneak more alcohol on the plane in a sports bottle, then ask for a glass of ice.
• Lie to the flight attendant when he asks if you’re drinking alcohol with your “glass of ice with lime.”
• Wash your ADD meds down with vodka and a Valium chaser.
• Play Rachmaninoff’s Piano Sonata No. 2 on your tray table.
• Pound on the walls of the lavatory like some sort of giant ape.
• Threaten to kill a flight attendant.
• Scribble weird messages all over your sheet music.
• Push a flight attendant in the chest causing the airline to land the plane so you can be arrested
• Resist arrest by locking your arms and legs under your seat.
• Go limp and refuse to walk so the officers have to carry you to the waiting squad car."
